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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, November 12, 2009 7:55 AM
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Since I can't seem to post to my blog, I will post here. Thoughts are very welcomed!!!
When my sister died 11 years ago, all 5 of her kids were already in foster homes. I was instrumental in making that happen, having called Dane County Social Services and asking them to intervene. My sister, despite her love for them, was a severe alcoholic and crack user who was constantly putting my nieces and nephews at risk with her bad choices. For a long time, I did my best to protect and help them without calling Social Services, but it was virtually impossible for me to take care of her 5 kids plus my 3 kids while I was in college and living in a 2-bedroom apartment. So, when things got to a point where “in harms way” was a daily fact of life, I decided to make the call.
A few years before when I did that, I was given custody of my oldest niece while the others were placed – in pairs – into foster homes. That was okay for the short-term because through my sister I still had access to them. However, after she died very suddenly, that access was quickly cut off when they became wards of the state. For reasons never explained to me, the state refused to look at or even consider me for a permanent placement (visits were not allowed), and 4 of the 5 were put up for adoption. Only the oldest – the niece who had lived with me before – wasn’t on the adoption block; her foster parents had become legal guardians so the state and county had no “jurisdiction”. And had they not made it clear to her (and me) that her biological family was not important to them, I would not have challenged their guardianship…and won. After a dramatic court hearing, my niece became an official and permanent member of my family, and together we set out to bring at least one of her two youngest siblings into my family, too. However, after over a year of phone calls and letter-writing, we received a final letter from the governor’s office telling us to drop it. Our hearts were broken, but our conviction was not; we knew it was a matter of time before the kids would be old enough to decide for themselves if their biological family was important. And so, we waited.
Before I tell the rest of the story, I want to say that 3 of the 4 foster/adoptive parents allowed at least some contact (Thank you!!!). Not much, but enough that we knew as the kids got older there would be more contact. However, the 4th set of foster/adoptive parents did not. As it turned out, after I won guardianship of my niece, the parents who lost to me were allowed to adopt my sister’s youngest son. Needless to say, we were not allowed to see him at all, ever. Then, to add insult to injury, they went public – being featured both on the local news and in a community newsletter – stating that they had basically rescued this little boy with physical disabilities because he had no family to love and care for him. I was appalled and angered, and without any way to set the record straight; no one at the TV station or newsletter would listen to me. But the lies didn’t stop there…they also told him that his older sister had run away and they didn’t know what happened to her, causing him to spend the next several years wondering about the fate of his oldest sister. Meanwhile, she was living just a few miles a way…
Fast forward to September 2009, just after the 11th anniversary of my sister’s passing. Through the wonder that is the internet, my niece/daughter found her youngest brother on Facebook and they made a connection. I got a tearful phone call telling me of her discovery, and in less than a week an impromptu family reunion occurred. For the first time in 10 years, 4 of my sister’s kids were sitting together in my home, along with most of my family, my brother, and my mother. (The other sibling is in Kuwait, serving our country.) I cried a lot of tears that morning as I sifted through my box of family photos, remembering the days that we were a close family and birthdays and holidays were celebrated together…before the state decided we no longer deserved that privilege.
And a privilege it is, because under the rules of adoption, if the adoptive parents don’t want to acknowledge or allow contact with the biological family, they don’t have to. So, though my nephew had decided he wanted to see and be a part of his biological family, his adoptive parents did not. Needless to say, I was greatly saddened when I received a message this morning telling me that upon discovery of my nephew’s recent reconnection with us, he has had his phone and internet privileges taken away. He is, just as my niece was when she lived there, banned from any contact with us.
I will never understand why the county and state ignored our family ties and desire to be a part of each other’s lives…why they decided we’re not worthy of being a family. Did they think we would forget each other? Did they think that, in time, we’d stop loving and thinking about each other? Well, if they did, they were very, very wrong. And though we are all hurting now…again…at this loss, we will not give up. The day will come that he will be of age to decide for himself, and if they want to tell him to choose between the 2 families, so be it. That’s not something we will ever do. So, this is for him…to let him know that NOTHING will stop us from loving and wanting him in our family.
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Saturday, October 24, 2009 7:35 PM
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| Thank you for this post, to step in and adopt and raise others is commendable, but to deny one's heritage,sibling's and to be denied access to your grandmother ,aunt,uncles to go to high school with your cousin and not even know it. How do we let our children know they can not talk to their relatives in school or risk that they will be disaplined? Our love for our sister's memory and her children will not be silenced by those wishing to aleinate and mold them, and to surpress their God given love for their family. your Brother Don
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, November 12, 2009 7:55 AM
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I hadn't even thought of how he will be in trouble if he talks to his own cousin at school! We all shook our heads in sadness and disgust when we realized a pair of cousins were attending the same school and didn't even know it, but now to find out our nephew will actually be penalized if he associates with his biological cousin at school is simply too difficult to understand. What was the state thinking, adopting out a kid into the same zip code that his biological family lives in??? Did they not see how this would cause huge emotional problems??? And what's wrong with the adoptive parents that they would do that to a kid they supposedly love? Clearly they don't love him enough to think about his feelings and need for a connection with his biological family...and this recent event makes me believe even more they adopted him out of revenge on my niece/daughter for choosing her biological family over them. But they seem to forget that they are the ones who forced her to make that choice. The other 3 kids raised in adoptive homes were not. They weren't told to forget they had siblings and family out there - they were allowed to remember and love and acknowledge them.
Thank you for coming here, reading this, and signing up so you could comment and back me up. I can't believe no one in the public has an opinion. I guess this is "dirty laundry" that we're supposed to keep under the rug...I hope no one who has read this - or personally knows about this - but has said nothing ever experiences the death of a loved one, then the loss of that person's family. If the state can do this to us, they certainly can do it again (and again, and again, and again...)
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, October 28, 2009 11:20 PM
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This is a sad situation. I am familiar with the drama of adoption from a parents point of view and I believe this is a tough situation for you.
It is also difficult for the child and his adoptive parents. It is controlled by the "state" and possibly federal law.
As a citizen, you are a part of the state and do have a voice but how to use it and how far it will get you is another question.
It would take an unknown amount of effort to change the situation.
Experts would need to be consulted, research done. contacts made.
An effort could be made to find a third party to talk to the adoptive parents to convince them that contact may have benefits for the child.
You know what sacrifice you've made so consider the adoptive parents and their effort and be sure to acknowledge that. Address their fears and concerns let them know that you are also sympathetic to them, they've made an effort and are probably doing the best they can.
Now most importantly consider the children, their life is complicated, more than we can know.
I do believe in most cases contact with blood relatives is good, but not always.
You may need to deal with lawyers, social workers, judges and others. Don't expect anyone to do this for you.
Remember the rules are created with good intentions even if mis-guided. You may also need the help of your legislators to solve this problem.
Good luck.
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, November 12, 2009 7:55 AM
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First, thank you to everyone who has read and commented. I very much appreciate your input and just the fact that you took the time to “listen”. Sometimes, being heard is all a person really needs to move on and/or feel better.
(BTW, my internet was gone again, so my apologies for the delay in responding. Times are tough, believe me…)
JerSmith:
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I should have said in my 1st post that I don’t have any intention of fighting with or dealing with the state again on this issue. All of that is in the past and I don’t care to go down that emotional road again. The nephew in question will be 18 next year and we all plan to be a family then - forever. If that hurts the adoptive parents, oh well; I truly do not care. Perhaps they should have been less selfish and worked on their issues before becoming his foster parents and adopting him, because they clearly had insecurity and control issues when my niece was there. I mean, they did things like blocked all of my phone numbers then turned around and told my niece that I didn’t care enough to bother calling. And then there was that nasty little list of “42 things we’ve done for you” and “6 questions to ponder” about why she would want contact with her“real” family. This was a blatant attempt to make her feel guilty for loving and wanting contact with her biological family, and it means THEY have issues that need to be worked out...not me, not the kids…THEM. I am not here to coddle the whiny, controlling, insecure foster/adoptive parents who did these things, nor will I EVER worry or care about their feelings again. Sorry, but my sympathy for them is gone.
Those parents aside, I have serious concerns about the entire foster care/adoption systems then when it means taking kids not just from their parent(s), but from each other and the rest of their families. Why are the kids of bad or unfortunate parents punished for things out of their control? Why don’t they have a right to be in contact with their siblings (never mind their extended families) when they are put into foster care or up for adoption? I just don’t understand how an agency that sets goals for family reunification can tear families apart like this when the parents are out of the picture? It’s as if the only family the state and county recognize are the parents – and once they are out of the picture, the kids are suddenly “family-less”. No parents equals no siblings, no extended family, no ties. That’s not a situation created naturally – the state and county make that happen – and it’s wrong. PERIOD. Dozens of people in this family alone have been hurting for years because of that mentality and those practices.
Think about it. If you are a parent of underage kids, the state has the right to do this to them, too. I don’t know a single parent who would want this for their kids…just as I don’t know a single adopted kid who doesn’t want to know or know about their real family.
MadisonAdmin - thank you for the link. I will read it and come back with any comments I have about it. Thanks!
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I agree that you should probably talk to your legislators about this problem. That's a good way to change things. It's sad that you had such a tough time, and especially sad for the kids.
It reminds me of Malcolm X's situation, where they state took him and his siblings away and divided them up between foster homes after his father was killed and his mother had a nervous breakdown.
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Group: Forum Members
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I have to say, I was hopeful about this article/video when I read the intro from the link, but after watching the video I'm kind of confused about the point they were trying to make. I didn't see as many parallels to my sister's kids' situations, since the guys being featured aren't brothers and weren't torn apart from each other, as in this case recently in the news: Brothers United This is much more like our situation, where siblings were split up and never allowed contact with each other. I'm sure that all the parents involved thought it was for the best, but if you asked the adult kids how they feel, the probably all wish they had known each other growing up.
Please understand, I'm not knocking the foster care system as a whole, nor am I saying that foster parents are bad people. I have personal experience with that system and an outstanding set of foster parents who did far more than just care for kids and make them part of their family. But it needs to be pointed that even though foster care or adoption may be necessary, it does not have to mean total exclusion of the biological family. When kids are taken from their parents/siblings (as opposed to a parent making the decision to put a child up for adoption), efforts should be made to keep the biological family in their lives. Safety issues aside, how could that possibly be bad or wrong or not in the best interest of the child...and how could taking all that way from a kid be good or right or in the best interest of the child. That is my point...that's all I'm trying to say.
Thanks again for hearing me and for your input!!!
Genie - thanks for your comment, too. I know I said I wasn't interested in fighting the state, etc...but the more I think about it, the more I think maybe - when my life is on track again - it could be the cause I fight for.
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